Peachy times

Time for an update on how life is for me at the moment.  I’m sure you’re all very interested…

Well yesterday was the day my ex moved out and went back to England.  I felt a little sad that we would probably never see each other again (I’m slightly angry with him about the situation but I won’t go into it).  I had already blocked him from all my social networks and I don’t have his number so he is effectively out of my life.  Except for the fact of course, that we share a daughter. 

For her sake, we have kept things civil and to be fair, it is not all that hard because I have always liked this man that’s been my significant other for the past ten years.  We have been each others rocks for so long that it feels a little unbalanced knowing that when either one of us reaches out in the future the other will not be there to take the load.

Surprisingly though, I am not absolutely heartbroken as I have been previously (those of you who follow my blog will know we’ve been on and off all year).  Instead, I felt an almost sense of relief that it is really over.  I wondered why this should be and I slowly realised that he was not the version of himself that I love.  Everybody has a dark side, myself included and I have worked very hard indeed to overcome mine.  In fact, we both worked together to be the best possible versions of ourselves and begin afresh.  This was a huge reason for moving to Bulgaria.  Unfortunately, for reasons known only to himself, my Ex has reverted back to somebody who I don’t like very much, let alone love.  I am sad that we had to end, and that does hurt.  I am also sad that he doesn’t seem to see the potential in himself that I see.  I am hurt that I could not protect my daughter from the heartbreak of her father not being there.  But I cannot change water to wine and I cannot change the will of a man just by needing it to be so.  Believe me I have tried and it hurts more than anything to fail.

The revelation that I no longer want to be with this man is liberating.  Do I wish that he was the version of himself that I love and didn’t leave?  Unequivocally yes.  But that is not the case.  He is troubled and I cannot help him anymore so I will let him go and wish him luck. 

My daughter is older and wiser than her years (scarily so sometimes).  She misses her dad when he’s away, but she, like all of us, eventually gets used to the situation at hand.  I will channel my efforts into supporting her by laughing with her twice as hard and working every second that I can to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.

I have no doubt at all that my Ex will continue to support our daughter and stay in touch with her and I would encourage him to do so.  But for us adults, I have already walked away.

After a revolutionary day yesterday, I get to enjoy my lazy Sunday which largely consists of snuggles on the settee with my little girl while we watch our favourite programmes; X Factor and Merlin.  Of course today brings an extra treat with the Mobo’s aswell.  I may decide to do some Pilates later but we will see how things go.

So there it is.  Some people may look on yesterday as being rainy and to be honest, it was a little.  But overall, the finality of it all gave me the closure I needed and now I am on the brink of starting out my life again which is scary to say the least, but also invigorating and exciting! Altogether, peachy times!

The Breakup Playlist

Having gone through a breakup five times this year with the same person (too long of a story to go into), the feelings of despair, sorrow, loneliness, anger and eventually peacefulness are only too familiar.  Without trying to sound like a bleeding heart, I’ve always found that music has the ability to pull me out of the darkest moods.  Or allow me to wallow in them should I feel the need.  Everyone will have their own personal list of breakup songs to help empower or comfort them.  This one is mine. 

This playlist has a little of everything I find.  There are the usual defiant “I’ll be better without you” songs, with a hint of the “let’s just acknowledge it’s over” songs and of course, the songs that might have very little to do with the breakup theme at all but always make me smile and want to dance.  They’re not in any particular order, as my emotions don’t seem to follow any logical pattern.  Underneath each video is a little explanation as to why the song has made it on to my breakup song playlist.

Firstly, I love Pink and when I’m at my most vulnerable, I am known to crank up any one of my Pink albums and pretend that, I too am a super cool rock chick who doesn’t give a d*** about anything.  This song relates to the “let’s just acknowledge it’s over” realm with lyrics such as “I think I’ve finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much,I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)”

I would think the reason for this on the breakup playlist is obvious but just in case – “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”. Great tune that will have you dancing round the room giving the unlucky ex the proverbial finger in no time.  

I realise this choice may seem a little bitter to some people. I don’t care. It is an extremely funny song which makes me smile and in actual fact I don’t share the sentiment (I would rather concentrate on my own happiness than somebody else’s misfortune). Great for jumping round the front room to and pretending to be an All American reject.

Inspirational and catchy. I truly believe that I am the fifth member of Little Mix when I play this song and I know that I was “made to fly”.

When this woman opens her mouth my heart breaks, but in a good way.  As most of you will have guessed, I like to keep my breakup songs upbeat so I don’t flood the house with my tears.  This is why I love the Calvin Harris mix of the song.  The song reminds me of what I used to feel like at the beginning of the relationship but instead of making me morose, it makes me happy to have shared a great part of my life with someone and helps me to look forward to the next time I might feel that way again. 

Scatman – No obvious link to a breakup at all, but I defy anybody to listen to this song without smiling at the very least.  If you’re anything like me, you will probably experience full belly laughs when trying to sing along.  Also, it is my battle cry when I am a little “tipsy” many a person back home has heard me paying homage to this funny  little song at silly o clock in the morning.  Sometimes good memories are everything you need to bring you out of a depressed state of mind.

As a final note, many people will be racking their brains as to why Adele has not made it onto the list.  The reason for this is simple; although I am a huge fan of the very talented lady (she is on my list of people that I would definitely go for a pint with), her albums are… depressing! They are wonderful to listen to when you are completely over your breakup, or if you are completely happy.  But anyone going through a breakup should put the Adele albums waaay at the back of the cupboard and wait for peachier days to come round before attempting to play them.

So there it is, my breakup playlist. Not to everyone’s taste no doubt but I have found that these songs do their bit to help lighten my mood and laugh each day. By doing this, I can help my daughter see that there is always something to smile about no matter what life throws at us.

Long distance relationships – Can they really work?

 

There are lots of reasons that people enter a long distance relationship.  Singles who meet online might find a kindred spirit on a different continent; couples may go to different colleges or Universities and sometimes people need to work away.  Whatever the reason, there are couples all around the world who spend their time missing their partners, waiting for the day that they are able to truly be together again.

Statistically speaking…

According to Statistic Brain, 14 million couples worldwide say that they are in long distance relationships.  So what are the chances of these couples making it?  Well statistically speaking…

• Total amount of long distance relationships that fail – 40%
• Average time for break-up to occur in a long distance relationship – 4.5 months

Pretty depressing data eh?  Of course there will be people out there who will shout from the rooftops that they will be in the 60% that make it because their relationship is the strongest that they know.  Whilst this is a great attitude to have, the facts tell us that confidence in a relationship working is not enough to see a result.  70% of those relationships which fail are put down to the fact that the couples were not prepared for the huge change of living so far away from each other.

So the big question – How do you make sure you’re not in that 40% and you get that long awaited happy reunion?

image source: wallchan.com http://www.wallchan.com/1450-couple-reunited-wallpaper/

Making it work

Firstly, I think it’s important to realise that long distance relationships actually can work.  60% is on the right side of half as far as I’m concerned.  In fact if only 1% of couples were in a successful long distance relationship then it would be enough to inspire hope, but then again, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of girl at heart. 

So how do these superstar couples make the long distance thing work?  Well you don’t have to be a psychologist or relationship expert to figure out that they will be putting a huge amount of effort into keeping their relationship alive.  But what does the effort entail?  What are they doing that’s so different to the other 40%?

Making time – Speak to anyone whose relationship has failed due to the distance and they will tell you that at first; they were never off the phone/Skype/Facebook to each other in the early days.  Then after a while, the calls and messages started to deplete.  Pretty soon, they seemed to be missing calls more often than taking them.  The reason?  They had other things going on, something came up and they just weren’t around. 

image source: eligiblemagazine.com http://eligiblemagazine.com/

This is natural.  Life goes on and just because the person you normally share your experiences with isn’t there, doesn’t mean you stop having experiences.  But if long distance relationships are going to work, it depends on couples making time for each other.  A busy day at work followed by some drinks with friends can mean it’s easy to not to call a loved one.  But it’s just as easy to take two minutes to make that call or even send a text and let them know they’re in your thoughts. 

Best foot forward – couples act as a sounding board for each other:

• Rough day at the office – Tell your partner about the idiots at work when you get home. 
• Annoyed about finances – Speak to your partner and know that somebody else shares the problem with you.
• Annoyed with your partner – Tell them, possibly have an argument and then work things out.

These are standard procedures for most couples around the world no matter who they are.  But couples in a long distance relationship need to keep things as happy as possible.  I’m not saying that people should bottle up their emotions; that’s no good either.  It’s just that if you only have ten minutes out of the day to speak to each other, it’s not advisable to spend the full ten minutes whining about all the things that are wrong in the world when you could be spending the time letting each other know how much you love each other.  A great way to do this is by looking to the future.  Talk about the things you look forward to doing together when you’re re-united; going for meals; sharing a bottle of wine with each other on the settee and watching a film; going away for a romantic weekend; anything that focuses on the positive and reminds you about why you’re going through the stress of being in a long term relationship.

What if it doesn’t work?

Whilst that 60% gives us all hope, it’s an undeniable fact that the other 40% still exists.  Somebody has to be part of that percentile.  Personal experience has taught me that not all long distance relationships work.  For some people, it seems like everything is ok when things are easy, but the relationship simply doesn’t stand up to the huge test of distance.  One of the best pieces of advice I have ever read is from Julie Gerstein who confesses that she stole it “directly from Maya Angelou”:

“When people show you who they are; believe them”

If you are the one that always makes it home in time to use Skype and your partner constantly lets you down, perhaps it is time to realise that they are not prepared to invest as much time and effort into the relationship as you.  This is no reflection on either partner.  It’s just fact.  The next step is to be brutally honest with each other and talk about whether it’s time to call it a day.

image source: orientalsparkle.blogspot.com http://orientalsparkle.blogspot.com/

Man tip:  We love big gestures but only they’re not the be all and end all.  Repeatedly promising things and not delivering is a million times worse than not making any gesture ever.  Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend: kept promises are.